


Ring Bearer of Bad News

by Fudgyokra



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: AU Where Jack Is Not Dead and All That, Engagement, F/F, Humor, M/M, Marriage, Multi, Past Relationship(s), RHACK RHACK RHACK, Unhelpful Friends, Various Sex Jokes, ridiculous shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-09-20 19:45:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9510137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fudgyokra/pseuds/Fudgyokra
Summary: An engagement announcement goes a little south.





	

Rhys did not anticipate how awry good news could go.

His ex-girlfriend was the first person he told (which Vaughn would whine about later) because she was closest to him in terms of distance, but out of all the reactions he expected Fiona to have, laughter was not among them.

“You and Jack!” she exclaimed once she finally stopped to breathe. “God, you had me there for a second.”

Rhys, unruffled and fairly certain he hadn’t just told the world’s funniest joke, repeated his earlier statement. “Yeah. Me and Jack are engaged.”

Fiona burst into a fresh peal of laughter at the declaration. Rhys set his jaw to the side.

“I haven’t seen you around in forever and the first thing you drop on me is that you’re _engaged?_ To _Jack?_ I am not that gullible.”

“It isn’t a joke!” Rhys supplied, exasperated.

“Of course it isn’t.” Fiona patted him once on the back, hard. “Now come on, you promised me muffins.”

//

Around the only populated table at the nearest barbecue joint, the girls (minus Fiona) tittered over one thing or another while Rhys and Jack occupied themselves by considering their menus with disgusted expressions. Fiona, for all intents and purposes, did her best not to grimace whenever Athena and Janey made playful passes at each other and tried to concentrate on her Sudoku puzzle.

“What’re you getting, babe?” Janey asked, face pressed possessively into the crook of Athena’s shoulder as if someone would come steal her away.

“Depends on what you’re giving,” Athena said, her tone even and her eyes never leaving her phone. Still, Janey laughed and pressed herself closer.

“Do you two ever give it a rest?” Sasha asked, regarding them with an amused smile.

“Don’t be a prude,” Janey replied, sticking her tongue out. “This is just what couples do.”

Rhys and Jack looked up at the same time. “That’s ridiculous,” the former said with a snort. “You don’t see _us_ doing that.”

“We keep that confined to the bedroom,” Jack agreed, ignoring Rhys’s glare of warning. “Or the sex dungeon,” he added, specifically to piss the other man off.

“Who is ‘we’?” Sasha asked with a confused expression on her face.

Rhys rolled his eyes. It was just like Fiona to get her sister in on her joke. “Very funny, but I’m trying to make a point here, Sasha.”

Athena exchanged glances with Janey before shooting him a blank look. “Look, get back to me when you actually get someone to date you. Then, maybe I’ll reconsider.”

At that, Jack lifted his gaze again. “What, am I invisible?” He waved a hand obnoxiously in front of Rhys’s face. “Am I a ghost? Can you see me?” Rhys pushed the hand away, only for it to come back and attach itself to his face, where he peeled it off and held it prisoner in his lap.

“Look guys,” Rhys began in his best long-suffering tone, “the joke wasn’t that funny the first time. I mean, it’s not like Jack and I just got together; you’ve had, like, a year to digest this.”

“Digest what, exactly?” Sasha raised an eyebrow at the same time Fiona grinned in recognition.

“ _Oh_ ,” she said, “don’t you know these two are a thing? Didn’t they _tell_ you, sis?”

Snidely, Jack said, “I don’t appreciate your tone.”

Sasha elbowed her sister and flashed Rhys a smirk. “Ohhh, I forgot about that.”

Rhys opened his mouth to retort, only to emit something akin to a croak. “You just grabbed my—”

“Sweetheart, no foul language,” Jack said, cutting him off and wiggling the fingers of his newly-freed hand above the table.

Athena leaned forward in her seat and leveled a stare at them. “You expect me to believe that you two are a couple?”

“Do we look like idiots to you?” Janey asked, making a sound that was equal parts snorts and laughter.

Rhys, incredulous, extended his arm to show the group the silver band on his ring finger. “We. Are. Engaged. As in, we are going to get married.” That was the straw that broke the camel’s back; immediately, the entire table (sans Rhys) exploded in a fit of howling laughter. “Why are _you_ laughing?” he asked Jack, squinting accusingly.

“Because it’s pretty funny.” He pretended to wipe away a tear and sighed as if laughing had worn him out. “We aren’t exactly the most likely candidates for holy matrimony if you know what I mean.”

“I will keep that in mind, Handsome Jackass,” Rhys muttered, defeated.

//

“God, you’re one lucky guy,” Jack said to him, effectively ruining their previous romantic efforts.

Rhys barked a laugh and continued adjusting Jack’s tie. “Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

“Why sleep when there are better things to do in the dark?”

“I _will_ choke you with this,” Rhys responded, tugging on the tie to make his point.

“Kinky,” Jack said with a dashing smile.

“You’re hilarious,” Rhys deadpanned, leaning forward to kiss him. “Now hurry up and finish getting ready. The ceremony starts in fifteen minutes.”

“That’s enough time for a quickie.”

Rhys, quick to be the bearer of bad news, said, “We’re already dressed.”

And Jack, quick to be the bearer of better news, replied, “That never stopped us before.”

As usual, it did not stop them this time, either.

//

The sun reflected hotly on all the white decor, but the day itself was surprisingly cool. Inside the building, the bustling crowd quieted in anticipation.

“Do you, Rhys, take Jack to be your lawfully-wedded husband?”

“I guess,” the man in question replied, eyes and smile deceptively bright.

The officiant turned to Jack. “Do you, Jack, take Rhys to be your lawfully-wedded husband?”

“Why not?” Jack answered, giving the hands he held a squeeze to assure him that he was only being facetious for show.

“Then, by the powers vested in—”

“Yeah, yeah. Kiss the bride,” Jack interrupted. “You’re the bride,” he added, for good measure.

“That’s funny, because I thought you were,” Rhys returned, quieted only by the oncoming kiss, which quite possibly included more tongue than was expected for a wedding ceremony.

The crowd cheered and hooted, and when Jack had basked long enough in the attention, Rhys managed to drag him away from the pulpit for cocktail hour.

The first thing from Jack’s mouth after that was, “You’re right, it does seem like the time for a little cock and tail, if I say so myself.”

Rhys dutifully ignored him in favor of greeting Fiona and Sasha, both of whom were dressed in navy blue pantsuits. “Looking surprisingly good today, ladies,” he remarked, earning only a non-committal hum from Sasha and even less from her sister.

“I’m shocked you put so much effort into this,” Fiona said after a moment of surveying the area.

“Well, Jack likes to be a showoff,” Rhys said, prompting Jack to wrap an arm around his waist and smile proudly.

“I see that.” Fiona tapped her chin, then said, “It almost feels like a real wedding.”

Jack and Rhys put forth a unanimous, “What?”

“Yeah! You two really made it seem legit,” Sasha said, clapping her hands together. “Leave it to you to fake a wedding as a joke.”

Jack squinted at them with his lip curled and started to say something, only for Rhys to beat him to it. “We just—we have papers! We—we _kissed_.”

“For, like, an entire minute,” Jack tacked on.

“And?” Fiona asked, punctuating the question with a snort. “I get it, you’re drama queens.”

“You’re serious,” Jack said flatly. “That’s actually—it’s incredible how you think—”

“We’re kidding!” Sasha exclaimed, holding her hands up in defense.

“Yeah, calm down, boys. It’s a joke.” Fiona shot them a grin.

Rhys cast a sidelong glance at Jack, whose expression was hard to read. Then, in the space of a second, he was grinning wickedly. “Shit, they got us.”

At that, Rhys blew out a puff of relieved air. “You’ve been messing with us the whole time?”

“Oh, no,” Fiona began, “I legitimately thought you were pulling one over on us at first. I only found out you were telling the truth when you accidentally called me during sex.”

“Sorry, what?” Rhys asked, his voice rising shrilly over the sound of Jack’s explosive laughter.

Fiona nodded and casually said, “Uh-huh. You can’t fake moans like that. Trust me, I’ve faked plenty.”

“Fiona, ew,” Sasha said, wrinkling her nose.

By the time Jack stopped laughing there were actual tears welling in his eyes, but Rhys did not seem to find the same amount of humor in it. “Why didn’t you hang up? C’mon, that’s an invasion of privacy.” He glared at her, but she didn’t seem fazed.

“Nothing I haven’t heard before, idiot.”

Sasha put her hands up and walked away, and Fiona took that as her cue to leave as well. She did, however, offer one more jab at Rhys’s expense. “You’re so easy, Mr. Company Man. One dirty pet name and you’re out like _that_.” She snapped her fingers for emphasis and watched with satisfaction as Jack threw his head back and began cackling again.

“God, is she right!”

“Jack!” Rhys snapped, face burning.

“What? You’re an easy lay. I love that about you, cupcake.”

Fiona patted Rhys on the shoulder, but he pulled away, pouting dramatically. “Hey, don’t worry about all this. I’m about to get as drunk as possible so I can forget we ever had this talk, and I suggest you do the same.” With that said, she jogged after her sister, leaving Rhys behind to fume.

Jack, smiling in amusement, directed his glance at the other man. “She’s fun,” he said.

“Shut up,” Rhys replied. “I can’t believe I accidentally called her.”

“That wasn’t an accident.”

There was a brief pause. Rhys pinched the bridge of his nose and drew a slow breath. “Excuse me?”

“Oh no, yeah, I did that on purpose. Worked out for the best, though, huh? I mean, she believes us now.”

Rhys looked like he might explode at any moment. “We will talk about this later,” he hissed.

“It can wait until after the honeymoon sex, can’t it?”

Rhys glanced away and poked his bottom lip out thoughtfully. “All right,” he agreed, “deal.”


End file.
